This has Oscar written all over it. Oscar-Meyer^TM, that is.

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Onion Headlines...

GO AWAY! I keed! I keed! Stay for a while. You ungrateful... Seriously, though, we're here to help you people. Are you feeling down? Does your left ass cheek feel like the southwest end of a horse going north? Do you have that "not so fresh" feeling AGAIN? Don't you worry your little head completely off and gone. You've come to the right place. In the immortal words of Triumph, "[You've come here] for me to poop on!"

Let's cut the crap and get on with the random jokes and such... (reload to see more)

QUICK FACT: Did you know that, based on the current U.S. population, if someone tells you you're one in a million, they're actually saying you like 296 other people in the country? Shitty, huh? Have a nice day!

"Walks into a bar" joke:

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy (from SNL on NBC):

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Random airlines joke:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane...

Evil Overlord Rules Random Rules for Being an Evil Overlord:

Rule No. 99: If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

Some movies to keep you busy while the site is designed:

Links to time-suckers and on-line hilarity:

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog rags on Star Wars geeks
The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Comedy Central (of course)
Stinky Meat Projects - You just have to see it.
"It's not the Internet, It's HEAVY."
Homestar Runner
Stupid Videos - The name says it all.
Camp Chaos!

Links to comedy swag:

T-Shirt Humor - Really well-done humorous shirt designs. (We especially like the "retro" section.)

Airline Safety Tip

Today's safety tip brought to you by Airtoons.com.

answerEngine Q&A for Today

Question #184: How many psi does a skydiver have to apply to his or her butt hole to keep it air tight

Answer: Buttomuscular forces must be inversely proportional to external pressures exerted by low air pressure at a given altitude, otherwise flatulence insues.

To have your questions answered, go to the answerEngine IV.2a!

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